THE TRUE US?

Have you ever struggled and think is this me or is this what i really want or is it what other people want for me that makes me think that is what i want?

The truth is i think i have been struggling with myself for these past few years..I'm not sure whether people actually think the same or have been through this their self..but i do know that i myself am going through this feelings and emotions quiet a lot this past few years..It's a struggle for me cause most of the times I have never defended myself to say or do what i really wanted.It was always kept in ,thinking that i never wanted to make other people hurt or angry .But little did i know that i was actually doing lots of damage to myself ...The more i kept quiet and the more i just when with whatever they wanted.. i lost myself slowly and now its more of a struggle to say or think what i really want for myself!!

It's FRUSTRATING to not say what you feel or actually think deep down inside.

Lately i've been thinking a lot and am really fed up with the way i am now...WHY you ask?

Because i know deep down inside i am more then what i think of myself..

I can do so much but just have not done it yet.. either because too shy or just scared for some reason.

I am worth it no matter what some people say, but many say that im worth more then i think i am.

I wanna do things that i have not experienced in my life yet.I wanna try new things..I wanna travel the world .I want so much but never got the chance or just to scared to do it...So now..its time for me to do what i wanted to do !!

I know it's gonna be a struggle since it's been a long time where i didnt care what others think and just say or do what i really wanted at that very moment itself ...i cant always hide behind everything...no more!!!I've got to stand up for myself and not let people step all over me and take advantage.Its really hard to say no ,since most of the time i have always said yes to everyone even when i didn't want to.

Sometimes i ask myself...why do we actually care so much bout what others say..when in the end of it you yourself is gonna make that decision alone because it's your life not others!!

Slowly but surely....

Something i might wanna try out for fun??

*Sing in front of a really big crowd alone

*Travel the whole and experience something new

*Try out fashion designing

*Learn to play the guitar

*Own a car

*Get either my tummy or tongue pierce

*Get a tattoo..always wanted one

*Eventually get a job that pays really good and do what makes me happy

*Go for vacation somewhere maybe in Malaysia first with the ones i really love and care maybe to Redang ,Tioman,Langkawi???

* Learn something new..like maybe a new language?

* Do up my room ..redesigning it and making things in order:)

* and many many more to come...will be updating it whenever i think of it;)

I CANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME

Isn't it unfair when you finally thought you found something you like but you know you cant have it?

I guess its just the way it works...its just UNFAIR!!

To that someone ...yes i did fall for you but how did you expect me not to?

I practically gave everything i had to give to you!!and why i dont know...It is a mistake i regret doing but i think i kinda learn something too..you can never give yourself to fast to anyone no matter how much they claim to care...Im glad that i had my best friend close to me to give me comfort at this time even when i didnt wanna open up and she was still there no matter what...but i think if it was not for her just being there to listen i might have done something really really stupid because the emotions that i was going through was all buried in me and i tried to ignore the fact that it was happening..but it was all right!!luckly i was kinda prepared or more like kinda know it was gonna happen anytime it was just a matter of time...

You should have told me the very beginning itself that you cant love anyone at the moment..i would have shield my heart from getting into false hope once again...You say you wanna care and still be there for me..and still be together..isnt it unfair to me?that i will be with you and give my all to you but knowing that you can never feel or love me the way i do ..i dont wanna go through this..it kills me inside to know that its not gonna last and you won't be here for long its just a matter of time that you leave ...So then you leave me with what?A HEART THAT IS BROKEN !!

If you say you care and love to see me happy ...then i suggest you let me be so that i can start picking up the pieces again and finding something that would really make me happy and not sad ...I think its time i stand up for myself and do what i want because i love doing it and not do something to make others happy but me sad...(its true i can't make you love me if you dont).so this is it!!Im backing off slowly untill it fades away ...Im shielding my self now !!

ICANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

FALL FOR ANYTHING?

I am fed up with your lies,

I just cant seem to understand why cant you just be happy for me and not always wanting to bring me down with words...If you say that you care and love me like you do ..then why dont i feel like you are trying at all...Must i always be the one there for you and you not there for me..?

Do you really do mean those things you say to me or do you just say that to get what you want with me and just throw me away .I dont wanna go through this once again...I want to be happy and not sad and hurting always...I dont need people who bring me down with all this crap ..I already have enough to deal with and i dont need more drama in my life!!THAT IS IT!!NO MORE...PLease i have enough ...My heart is crying out cant you see that there is just not enough of space for another heart break?

FALL FOR ANYTHING

Does that bring you down, down, down x3

Don't keep yourself away
Don't live your life that way
Of course he's gonna say anything you want
Then leave quicker than he came now you got yourself to blame
Don't put yourself back in the fire again

It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you make
You do it over and over again

So before they bring you down
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything

Cause they'll bring you down, down, down x4

Oh, please don't be so naïve
Don't wait 'till your heart bleeds
Love wasn't built for speed, listen to me girl
He keeps fuckin' with your head, tryna get you into bed
And in the morning you'll just hate yourself

It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you make
You do it over and over again

So before they bring you down
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything

Cause they'll bring you down, down, down x4

And you give until there's nothing to give
Until there's nothing to give
Until there's nothing to give x3

Before they bring you down
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for everything
Fall for anything
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Fall for anything

Before they break you down, down, down
Cause girl they'll bring you down, down, down
Cause they'll bring you down, down, down
Cause they'll bring you down, down, down

Broken In million pieces

Today is 3/8/09

Just yesterday and the whole weekend i was having the time of my life that in a long long time i have not had which was to laugh sincerely and feel really happy ..before this i was struggling to keep a cheerful face and always just pretended to be happy and all okkie when deep down inside i just wanted to cry and i felt a deep knife cutting through my heart slowly..This is what im feeling and thinking at this very moment..I actually wanted to write about my weekend and my whole b day celebration but something was just disturbing me..But i could not figure what..So i just thought i write what i may be feeling...

FALLING FOR YOU

I don't know but
I think I maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you (x2)

I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh

Oh Im falling for you

DRAG ME TO HELL?TRANSFORMERS?

Okkie sorry guys if i update my posts really slow ,But its always like this during the weekdays..busy busy busy...Thought i never had the energy or mood to go out after work but this week i said we should just go out and not think that I can't !!Who said i can't anyway right??heheh....So when Sydah ask whether wanted to follow her to watch a movie ..Guess what my answer was??LOL...yup yup...it was a YES!!So we when to pyramid to watch DRAG ME TO HELL!!oh my goodness that was one disgusting movie ever...eeeeee :S we were like i think having mixed emotions during the movie...you know why?Because it was disgusting was funny at the same time...it was more gross then scary...kekek.Anyway continuing now...while waiting for the movie to start we when to eat in KFC because i wanted to eat chicken...;P.The next two days came TRANSFORMERS came out on cinema ...and guess what...IT WAS ALL FULL!!i was so pissed plus sad...lol...i waited so long and then i had to wait somemore...but i was patience and on Friday we decided to try and go to the cinema it self and see whether we could get the tickets...and we when to 1utama that day after work...and oh my goodness...Thank God they had like 3-4 halls just for the 6.00pm show for Transformers only..and we finally got the tickets...and i say...who ever has not watch it yet...GO NOW!!It was GREAT!!really a good movie...i think the best movie of the year so far;)and that was it and oh yes...the next day i had to get up early to go to the office to finish up my work because of the day before left early towatch transformers...hehehe...But it was all good....

JOSH DUHAMEL;)

Shia &Megan

Optimus Prime

The twins and Bubble Bee

Bee

Sydah &me after the movie

Sydah &her KFC:)

Creme Brulee?

CREME BRULEE?MANGO TANGO??

Oh my goodness!!This week was one crazy plus random and filled with lots of laughter ...;)First we (Mum,Vic,Vic's friend(Patricia)&Me)when to watch a movie (A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS)it was a fund rising thing held by our church STM(Saint Thomas More).It was a 16th century movie ..so you know it was'nt my fault when i feel asleep during the movie..hehehe there was just too much talking...but it was not to bad la...cause this time the popcorn was quite tasty so it kept me entertained most of the time...lol.After the movie my mum and me when to eat in a Laksa restaurant but we ate nasi lemak with chicken rendang..it was just ok.Then after that headed to Tania's house and guess what we(Aunty Rosalind ,Tania & me)made...CURRY PUFFS!!heheh it was fun seeing how we put the inti in untill it looked like it was gonna break..almost la...but it turn out really nice and tasted delicioussss!!!mmmmm;)Suddenly after eating dinner Tania had this craving of eating guess what CREME BRULEE of cause..kekek.So we when to dessert bar in subang parade.The funny thing was when the creme brulee came it was so small and it made Nia depressed ...lol.But after my order came which was pana colada or pina colada..something like that..it was not too bad..lots of strawberries;)..and Nia said what!!pana koteh?...lol..we just could not hold it in and all started laughing even the waitress...So ya that was my weekend..oh yup one more thing ...on the way back they introduce me to my new fav ice-cream for the brand walls...lol...and it was called...MANGO TANGO baby.....mmmmm....lovely...;)

Oh ya ..this is what i tried on in Nichii after makan..lol;)

The tickets for A Man For All Season

The MANGO TANGO!!

Tania's Creme Brulee

My delicious strawberry pana colada;)

And again!!

Tania and Aunty Rosalind while waiting for their creme brulee.

17 AGAIN?

Today was a day when my mum and me suddenly did something out of our comfort zone...We just decided to watch a midnight movie and book tickets for 17Again with ZAC EFRON.We have been through lots these past few weeks and it was kinda nice to do something different from our routine .We first when to get the tickets and while waiting to go in the cinema we when to have a caramel frappucino and a slice of American Baked cheese cake in STARBUCKS .Ever since i started to work in a corporate office i slowly began to loss myself because i thought that i had to always get things right and make things perfect so that it would be professional .And when things didn't go as i wanted it, i would panic and made myself stress about unnecessary stuff!So this just reminded me of how i used to love just living life and not worrying about it to much.So from this day onwards i would say that i want to colour my life all over again and start living in the present instate of the past or thinking about whats gonna happen next and enjoy every second,minute ,hour,day,week,month and years to come!!

17 AGAIN TICKETS

Mum enjoying her caramel frappucino;)

Hmmmmmmmm...............

Our American Baked cheese cake:)

FRIENDS

Well last weekend had been one hack of a week!!but lots of great things happen...:)

Had some pretty bad moments and had some really good moments too...

It was really nice to know that person who you care so much all over again.I think the more we know each other the more we need to rekindle and get to know one another again and again..because everthing changes and definately everyones interest changes too.Same with their personality...it changes all the time without realising it at that moment.So i guess we just can't take anything for granted..cause once you loss that you might never get it back ...like Friendship,and family;)Even though sometimes things dont always go smoothly it is at that moment you find out who your real friends are.Eventhough i had some really bad experience with friends and their trust in the past .I am now forever greatfull that i had that experience because it has now brought me some really good friendship with the people who really cares and love me for me.I think we all deserve good ,caring and loving friends who would pick us right back up when we fall..or be our piller in times of weakness even help us boost ourself esteem and not put you down and take advantage of you.That is what i call True Friendship!!

I AM ME

This saying or kinda short story written by Turra has caught my heart and mind like never before...It made me open my eyes even more to knowing ME better!

I read this when Kimmy was reading the book which she borrowed from the centre(GCG).She was the one who actually showed this ;)and i thought it was really really nice and has a powerfull meaning behind very sentence said.

I am the only "me" I've got.

I am Unique.

There are two major parts of "me".

There is the outside "me"and the inside "me".

The outside "me"is what you see.

The way i act,the image i potray,the way i look and the things i do.

The outside "me"is very important.It is my messenger to the world & much of my outside me is what communicates with you.I value what i've done,the way i look and what i share with you.

The inside"me"knows feelings,secret ideas,and my many hopes and dreams.

Sometimes i let you know a little bit about the inside "me"and sometimes its a very private part of myself.

I take full responsibility for "me"& the more i learn about myself ,the more responsibility I am going to take.

You see ,my "me" is my responsibility .

As i know myself more & more,I find out that I am an OK person.

I've done some good things in life because I am a good person .

I celebrate the many things I've done for myself.

I've also made truck loads of mistakes .I can learn from them.

I have also known some people who did not appreciate me.

I do not need to keep those people in my life.

I've wasted some precious time.

I can make new choices now.

As long as i can see,hear,feel,think,change,grow&behave.

I have great possibility.

I am going to grow & love and be & celebrate.

Wanting To Believe

Wanting to believe is sometimes hard when you know its gonna happen again.

Especially when you kinda know what to expect next,

How can someone change or make things better when the situation around you just won't let you change or make things better?

Its really easy to say things ,but in actual fact when it does happens everyone just run from it.

Sometimes wonder why do we have all these emotions in us.

Its really nice when or if your feeling happy all the time,

But whats the point of being sad ,angry ,frustrated or depressed ?

Really why do we even have these emotions...I think it really sucks !!

Wish we had only the positive emotions and the bad erased.

But its never gonna happen because its just the way life is.

How does someone really help that person get out of these negative emotions?

Thinking it was all gonna change soon and we will see the light ahead,

But all I'm seeing now is a dark big cloud ahead .

Hoping that we can change it now before it gets worst again.

Wanting to believe in it is really hard when all your thinking is the bad thoughts running through your head ,

and the past rings a bell and flashes of the past hunts you with all the fear again.

How do we cope with whats gonna happen next?

How do we carry our self up again and again?

Wanting to believe is simple but going through it yourself its a different story.

Everyone says just leave ,run far and it will be better.

Really??But what if it doesn't and only gets worst ..then??

We might not even see that person ever again.

But how can we please them without breaking down our self?

How can we love that someone when inside is filled with hatred?

They said you'll be ok because your gone through it .

Surely used to it by now too...Very easy to say right??

Sometimes yes when your strong enough but how sure are you that it will be fine!

Anything can happen...without you even realising it.

Just hoping to see the light at the end of whatever comes ahead.

Wanting to believe that its just the way life goes round ,

Wanting to believe that its just another test that makes as stronger,

Wanting to believe it will get better after this,

Wanting to believe when falling is better after picking our self up,

Wanting to believe that we are not alone,

Wanting to believe that life is a gift and this is our time to cherish it.

Wanting to believe every day is a new beginning,

Wanting to believe that miracles do happen,

Wanting to believe that dreams really do come true.

Wanting to believe is what i want now.

Always thinking about you

I sometimes think what would it be like if you were here ,
I always think that someday just someday maybe it will be ok,
I don't think it is all ok for now ,maybe later on,
I sometimes think that somehow you are still here.

I miss you so so much,
It hurts like a thousand knifes stabbing me in the heart,
I know you can never come back,
I hate this because you are not here to see me grow.

I want to know how you really are,
I want to be able to hug someone when im down,
I want to talk to a man who can tell me that its gonna be ok,
I want him to take control in this house.

I wish i could turn back time,
I wish you would still be alive,
I wish that stupid drunk man had never run you down,
I wish he would have been a bit more carefull so that you might live,

I wish !!but i dont this wish can ever take place because i know its never gonna happen!!

Maybe

maybe sooner he will come ,
maybe later he will come,
maybe never will he come,
maybe someday but not today,

maybe i might be successful,
maybe i might not,
maybe i might get very rich,
maybe sometime but not now,

maybe i will do what i wanna do,
maybe i will do something more,
maybe i will be brave & strong,
maybe i will fight for what i believe,

maybe i will stand up for myself,
maybe i just follow the crowd,
maybe someday i might be someone,
maybe one day if i tried hard ,

maybe ,maybe ,maybe
maybe yes ,maybe no,
I'm not sure what might happen.

SOMETIMES

sometimes when the person you really love hurts you its the worst feeling ever.
sometimes you suddenly feel so alone and you just wanna break down,
sometimes its frustrating and sometimes its depressing,
sometimes you just want run far away and just cry,

sometimes your family and friends may say that you look fat,
sometimes they may say you look ugly and dont belong here,
sometimes they may say hurtful things about you,
sometimes they are just telling the truth but it breaks you,

sometimes who you think are your friends are really not,
sometimes who you care and love is not worth loving,
sometimes they may step you at the back,
sometimes they just want to hurt you and bring you down,

sometimes you just don't want to live anymore,
sometimes you just feel like giving up,
sometimes the world is just so unfair,
sometimes nothing seems to be going right,

sometimes its never ever fair ,
sometimes it just the way the world goes round,
sometimes its just the way you feel ,
sometimes its just want you think.