THE TRUE US?

Have you ever struggled and think is this me or is this what i really want or is it what other people want for me that makes me think that is what i want?

The truth is i think i have been struggling with myself for these past few years..I'm not sure whether people actually think the same or have been through this their self..but i do know that i myself am going through this feelings and emotions quiet a lot this past few years..It's a struggle for me cause most of the times I have never defended myself to say or do what i really wanted.It was always kept in ,thinking that i never wanted to make other people hurt or angry .But little did i know that i was actually doing lots of damage to myself ...The more i kept quiet and the more i just when with whatever they wanted.. i lost myself slowly and now its more of a struggle to say or think what i really want for myself!!

It's FRUSTRATING to not say what you feel or actually think deep down inside.

Lately i've been thinking a lot and am really fed up with the way i am now...WHY you ask?

Because i know deep down inside i am more then what i think of myself..

I can do so much but just have not done it yet.. either because too shy or just scared for some reason.

I am worth it no matter what some people say, but many say that im worth more then i think i am.

I wanna do things that i have not experienced in my life yet.I wanna try new things..I wanna travel the world .I want so much but never got the chance or just to scared to do it...So now..its time for me to do what i wanted to do !!

I know it's gonna be a struggle since it's been a long time where i didnt care what others think and just say or do what i really wanted at that very moment itself ...i cant always hide behind everything...no more!!!I've got to stand up for myself and not let people step all over me and take advantage.Its really hard to say no ,since most of the time i have always said yes to everyone even when i didn't want to.

Sometimes i ask myself...why do we actually care so much bout what others say..when in the end of it you yourself is gonna make that decision alone because it's your life not others!!

Slowly but surely....

Something i might wanna try out for fun??

*Sing in front of a really big crowd alone

*Travel the whole and experience something new

*Try out fashion designing

*Learn to play the guitar

*Own a car

*Get either my tummy or tongue pierce

*Get a tattoo..always wanted one

*Eventually get a job that pays really good and do what makes me happy

*Go for vacation somewhere maybe in Malaysia first with the ones i really love and care maybe to Redang ,Tioman,Langkawi???

* Learn something new..like maybe a new language?

* Do up my room ..redesigning it and making things in order:)

* and many many more to come...will be updating it whenever i think of it;)

I CANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME

Isn't it unfair when you finally thought you found something you like but you know you cant have it?

I guess its just the way it works...its just UNFAIR!!

To that someone ...yes i did fall for you but how did you expect me not to?

I practically gave everything i had to give to you!!and why i dont know...It is a mistake i regret doing but i think i kinda learn something too..you can never give yourself to fast to anyone no matter how much they claim to care...Im glad that i had my best friend close to me to give me comfort at this time even when i didnt wanna open up and she was still there no matter what...but i think if it was not for her just being there to listen i might have done something really really stupid because the emotions that i was going through was all buried in me and i tried to ignore the fact that it was happening..but it was all right!!luckly i was kinda prepared or more like kinda know it was gonna happen anytime it was just a matter of time...

You should have told me the very beginning itself that you cant love anyone at the moment..i would have shield my heart from getting into false hope once again...You say you wanna care and still be there for me..and still be together..isnt it unfair to me?that i will be with you and give my all to you but knowing that you can never feel or love me the way i do ..i dont wanna go through this..it kills me inside to know that its not gonna last and you won't be here for long its just a matter of time that you leave ...So then you leave me with what?A HEART THAT IS BROKEN !!

If you say you care and love to see me happy ...then i suggest you let me be so that i can start picking up the pieces again and finding something that would really make me happy and not sad ...I think its time i stand up for myself and do what i want because i love doing it and not do something to make others happy but me sad...(its true i can't make you love me if you dont).so this is it!!Im backing off slowly untill it fades away ...Im shielding my self now !!

ICANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't